It Will Be Lonely This Christmas
by ficmouse
Summary: A short one shot Christmas story. Ten years after Dylan left Holby Sam is facing Christmas all alone in London.


_A one shot written as a Christmas present for Kasca Black, callierawston and Antonia-x. It is rathr late because circumstances got in the way of my planned Christmas Eve finish. Now they've had their preview. I hope that you enjoy it. It is set aproximately December 2022._

**It will be lonely this Christmas**

Sam opened her front door with a sigh of relief, picked up the pile of cards on the doormat and stumbled through to her sitting room with them. Her feet were throbbing and her back ached - she'd been on her feet for more than 12 hours dealing with people who had celebrated Christmas not wisely but too well and all those people who had been unfortunate enough to get in their way. She poured herself a stiff Gin and Tonic and sank into her favourite armchair. She'd put her feet up for half an hour while she opened these and then she'd better get herself something to eat.

The first card was from Ruth and Jay, colleagues from years ago. Sam wasn't sure why they kept in touch but she was glad they did. It reminded her that some people did manage to get it right and be happy. She smiled as she opened the card and a letter and several photos fell out. Ruth had enclosed a photo of their fourth child; baby Charlie with his big sisters Emily, Rose and Angela. Charlie was an adorable baby and Sam felt the predictable stab of pain deep inside her chest which occurred whenever she saw a baby. It was happening to her more and more often and she knew it didn't have any physical cause. It was simply another indication of her increasingly desperate need for a baby of her own but there didn't seem any likelihood of it happening anytime soon. It wasn't as if she was getting any younger either. If she wasn't careful she'd leave it too long and it would be too late. Her problem was she'd only ever met one person she wanted to be her baby's Daddy and the timing just hadn't been right for them. No one else had ever matched up and so she had remained childless and alone.

The second was from Nick and Zoe she knew that as soon as she looked at the front of the card because it was a family photo, Nick and Zoe with the brother and sister Robbie and Mia they'd adopted a year after their surprise marriage. Their age hadn't been considered a problem as little Mia had a serious heart condition and there were very few people willing to adopt her. Sam had been delighted for them although slightly surprised she'd not seen Zoe as someone who could cope with a child with problems. Nick of course had taken it into his stride. Mia was a lucky little girl to have him for her Daddy. She wondered vaguely if maybe she could adopt a child who was special in some way. She wouldn't care she'd love them anyway but she was sure a demanding job like hers would be frowned on when she would also be going it alone.

There was a card from Tess too, sent from the Red Cross refugee camp she was volunteering in. Miriam had written a determinedly positive and upbeat letter but Sam was sure that something lay behind the optimistic words and determined that in the New Year she'd investigate. Maybe she would even go down to the West Country and see her. She'd neglected her old friend much too long. Even Linda had sent a card from Glasgow where she was now living with Lenny and their small children. There were other cards from various neighbours and colleagues and a postcard from her widowed mother enjoying a Christmas cruise down the Suez Canal. The credit card bill she stuffed in a drawer unopened the New Year was soon enough to face that particular horror. She couldn't help the sudden stab of pain that yet again there had been no card from the one person she wanted to hear from most. Every year she hoped it would come and every year she was crushed when the last post on Christmas Eve came and did not bring with it an envelope with his distinctive scrawl.

Christmas always rather rubbed in her solitary status and brought with it cruel reminders of all her dashed hopes. It was Christmas ten years ago that he had left her without a backward glance and she hadn't seen or heard from him since. She sighed and tried to put it out of her mind. There was no point in dwelling on might have beens. It was worse this year normally she immersed herself in work and the day passed with little time to think but this year her boss in an excess of kindness or possibly a desperate desire to avoid his detested mother in law had volunteered to work all Christmas. Sam was not particularly grateful for this altruistic gesture as it meant she'd be alone in her flat because her mother recently widowed for the second time was away and her sister Moira lived in Edinburgh with her husband and children.

Sam couldn't have made the journey there after a Christmas Eve late shift, in any case her younger sister was the ultimate smug married and Sam hated watching her children rip open their parcels when what she wanted was to watch her own excited children emptying their stockings. Pull yourself together Sam she told herself fiercely you have a warm house, a good job, plenty of friends lots of people would give anything for just a roof over their heads.

It was thinking about the people worse off than her that had motivated her to volunteer to help at St Jude's Shelter for the homeless next day. They had asked for doctors to come and assess the homeless and treat their various minor and not so minor ailments. Sam was well aware she'd be looking at lots of rotten teeth and ulcerated feet but she had so much and they had so little it was a small price to pay. When it all wound down at 6ish she'd come back here and reward herself with a turkey sandwich, bottle of champagne and a large box of her favourite chocolates. She had a good book and a pile of DVD's she hadn't had time to watch she'd be fine. With that positive thought she forced herself to her feet switched on the tree lights and rang for a takeaway curry. She could arrange the cards on the mantelpiece and have another Gin and Tonic while she waited for it to arrive.

Dylan sat in his darkened living room and morosely swallowed down his third coffee of the evening this was the kind of time when he wished he still drank. A good red wine would have hit the spot in a way coffee never would. He hated Christmas, all this bloody peace and goodwill and people wanting you to be nice to them all day. It was just another excuse for shopkeepers to make money. He hadn't bought any presents this year there wasn't anyone to buy them for after all. He'd sent Miriam flowers, given his cleaning lady a Christmas box of a £50 cheque and stood a case of champagne for the department Christmas party what more could anyone want?

No doubt when he went into work tomorrow the place would be smothered in tacky decorations and idiots masquerading as his colleagues would be wearing stupid hats, singing silly sentimental songs all day and annoying him. Then there'd be the imbeciles who'd drunk too much and carved their finger instead of the turkey, morons who'd stuffed their faces and given themselves indigestion, which they were convinced, was a heart attack. He just couldn't wait - for the day to be over! Then he could come back to his flat eat a steak and chips with more damned coffee and watch rubbish TV and repeats until he passed out.

He was sure he had looked forward to Christmas like normal people when he was little, when his father was still alive and his mother was sober but he could only remember a few good Christmases' as an adult. The first Christmas after he'd met Sam had been wonderful. They'd spent it together in a cottage he'd rented in the Lakes. They weren't supposed to be together and no one could know about them but it hadn't mattered, she'd been there and he'd got to hold her in his arms and that had made up for everything. They'd been married the next year and had both had to work but they'd had a good time anyway. The year after she'd been in Afghanistan, he'd been alone and had drunk himself into a stupor. There hadn't been anymore Christmases' after that.

He had half wanted to send her a card but he didn't know where she was and while he could have asked Miriam for her address; he was certain Miriam knew where she was, she always knew everything about everyone but everyone knew he didn't do cards and anyway he was afraid he'd hear all about her husband and children and that would have hurt him too much to contemplate. He would rather remain alone and ignorant than learn that the only woman he'd ever loved belonged to someone else. Although she did deserve to be happy he wanted her to be happy but with him not someone else. He drained his mug and wished he could have a drink or several then he could drink until he couldn't see her face in his head anymore.

Sam was enjoying Christmas Day at St Jude's Mission much to her own surprise. It was run by an energetic curate Father Michael and an Anglican nursing sister, Sister Frances. She'd not had to deal with any decaying teeth or rotting feet thank goodness, there was a dentist and several chiropodists to deal with that side of things. She had cleaned several nasty cuts, administered antibiotics for umpteen chest infections sent one incomplete abortion straight to A&E and referred three potential TB's to the hospital for tests. She had seen far too many people who quite simply suffered from neglect and malnutrition but at least she could make a difference to them.

It was after lunch, the traditional turkey and stuffing followed by mince pies and Sam had just finished examining a girl who said she was 15 but Sam was convinced was nearer to 13 and had what a horrified Sam suspected was raging Gonorrhoea. She was tactfully referring her to the Lydia Clinic at St Thomas' for appropriate treatment when Sister Frances came and tapped her on the shoulder.

"Sam, could you come and take a look at Jenny please. She's in the Parish Office." Sister Frances sounded very urgent.

In the short time she'd been working with her Sam had decided Sister Frances judgement was to be trusted so she abandoned her patient and went at once. Jenny was lying on a battered sofa and looked to be about fourteen, far more worryingly she was cyanotic with laboured breathing. Sam promptly did some basic obs and was not at all pleased with what she found. She was even more concerned when she heard a heart murmur while listening to her chest.

"Does anything hurt Jenny?" She asked her trying to stay calm. Sam had a nasty feeling she was very unwell indeed.

"Tired." Jenny muttered but she was barely responsive.

"Is she still tachycardic?" Sister Frances asked with concern.

"Yes." Sam said quietly "She's pyrexic and I'm not happy with her BP either. Could you get me an ambulance please Sister I think she needs to go in. I'm going to get you to hospital Jenny."

"No." She insisted weakly "I'm fine I don't want to go."

Sister Frances called the ambulance anyway and worn out by her attempt at protest Jenny collapsed back on the sofa cushions. Sam sat and watched her while she waited for the paramedics. She continued to deteriorate with her breathing growing more and more shallow and Sam had never been so relived to see the two burly paramedics who appeared eight minutes later. They obviously knew Sister Frances well as they looked to her for instructions immediately and ignored Sam.

"Who's the patient Sister?" the older of the two men asked barely appearing to register that Sam was there.

"This is Jenny Stewart. She's having trouble breathing and we're worried about her Tachycardia." Sister Frances explained.

"OK Jenny we'll have you feeling better in no time." The older man declared confidently his experienced eyes assessing her all the time.

"I'm just going to put a line in so I can give you some fluids love and I think some oxygen Jim." He turned to the younger man who went back to the ambulance to fetch it. They had a line in Jenny in a matter of minutes and had her hooked up to oxygen to aid the laboured breathing.

"Which hospital are you going to take her to?" Sam asked hastily. She felt Jenny needed a big teaching hospital and not a district one and would intervene if she thought the paramedic's choice was unsuitable.

"We'll take her into Tommy's it's a bit further but they've got a senior consultant on in A&E today. He's one of the best; he'll have your daughter patched up in no time love." The older paramedic said reassuringly.

"She's not my daughter." Sam objected, "She's my patient I'm an A&E consultant I was just volunteering here today."

She couldn't help feeling insulted she would have to have started young for Jenny to be her daughter. Ok so she hadn't put her best clothes on to work at St Judes but her jeans were clean and smart, her lilac jumper was cashmere and her hair was expensively cut and coloured. Surely she didn't look like one of St Jude's regular customers. She hoped she didn't anyway. She vowed to visit her hairdresser and revamp her wardrobe in the New Year to be on the safe side.

"I see. Do you want to come along to Tommy's with us?" The older paramedic enquired.

"Please." Sam said she wanted to see how Jenny got on. "Can you manage without me?" She asked Sister Frances belatedly.

"Of course you go with Jenny." The nun agreed smiling.

The ambulance covered the five miles to St Thomas' in record time as the normally choked South-East London roads were for once almost empty of traffic. Before Sam had realised it they were pulling into the ambulance bay of St Thoma's A&E and a nurse was standing in the entrance to greet them. Sam ignored protocol and no doubt broke half a dozen hospital rules and followed the trolley straight into resus.

"This is Jenny Stewart age 14, address unknown she's cyanotic, pronounced tachycardia pulse 180, BP 180/120, pyrexia GCS 15. She's had a litre of normal saline and she's on 100% oxygen" the older paramedic Sam now knew was called Stan reeled it all off.

"Let's have her over here." Sam's own heart almost stopped when she heard the familiar voice and she froze to the spot. "Someone get her Mum out of resus."

"I'm not her mother Dylan." Sam found her voice "She is or was my patient."

"Sam! What the… Hell we can't talk now. Later." He gave her a glance loaded with meaning that literally dared her to run away. "Ok lets have an ECG Sally, Chest films, U's and E's I'd like bloods done for inflammatory markers and we'd better have the on call paediatrician down here looks like a pneumonia to me."

"She's got a murmur too." Sam told him "I heard it when I was listening to her chest; you might want someone from cardiology."

She knew Dylan was actually rather good at cardiology he'd probably done more specialist training than the junior who was likely to be on duty today but she didn't want this strange team doubting her competence and she wasn't supposed to know any of that. Anyway for all she knew he was out of practice now. Ten years was a long time.

"There's scarring on her chest too." The nurse he'd addressed as Sally announced. "She's had heart surgery at some point, probably more than once."

"Ok so we're probably looking at pneumonia with congenital heart disease." Dylan pronounced in his familiar dry manner. "Lovely! Anyone know about allergies?"

"She wasn't up to giving me a comprehensive history." Sam pointed out tartly. "And she's no fixed address either. Sister Frances thinks she might have absconded from a care home somewhere."

"I'll check with social services and medical records see if I can find out anything. The police might know something if she's a runaway too. " The capable Sally hurried out.

"Gavin," Dylan turned to the young house officer beside him "Start her on penicillin but have some adrenaline ready in case of anaphylaxis."

"Yes Sir." The young doctor sounded slightly intimidated.

Sam grinned to herself she could just imagine Dylan's junior staff feeling obliged to call him Sir. He was still arrogant and she was sure people who didn't know about his well hidden soft centre would find him daunting. He was a good doctor though it was an absolute pleasure to watch him. She stood back out of the way and let his efficient team get on with it.

"Sam, do you want to stay and watch or would you rather go and sit down?" Dylan asked her solicitously.

He was still feeling pole axed by her unexpected appearance in his resus and in all honesty he would have preferred her to wait outside and leave him to it. He was afraid he might make a silly mistake because her watching him distracted him. He was also aware that his staff was watching avidly wondering who she was and how he knew her. They'd be gossiping about him well into next year now.

"I'd rather stay and see how she gets on if you don't mind. Do you need any help?" Sam asked politely knowing full well he had a full team and she would only get in the way.

"No thanks." He said abruptly.

Sam sat on a very comfortable sofa in her ex husband's atrociously untidy office nursing a cup of tea and a slice of Christmas cake a very curious receptionist had presented her with when she'd escorted her to the office. They'd stabilised Jenny and admitted her to a Paediatric ward to await a full examination by a cardiologist and she had been just about to have her chat with Dylan when a blue light had been rushed in and he'd handed her over to the receptionist. Unable to restrain her curiosity she prowled around the room looking at everything. The shelves were crammed with textbooks and journals mixed with his favourite detective novels and books about cricket. The desk was piled high with paperwork, which was overflowing onto the floor, as was the top of the filing cabinet in the corner.

There were no personal pictures they were all bland hospital issue prints with the exception of a photograph of Dervla on one wall and a child's painting which had to Dylan from Dawn written on the corner. She wondered who Dawn was. Maybe she was his daughter although surely she wouldn't call him Dylan if he was her father; he was too conventional to allow his child to call him by his name. He hadn't been wearing a ring but that didn't mean anything doctors often didn't at work. She felt suddenly ill at the thought of him being married. She didn't like the idea of him making the same commitment to another woman he'd made to her. Perhaps Dawn was the result of an ill-fated fling or drunken liaison that was more like him. Surely if he had a family, he'd be spending the day with them and not working.

Knowing she shouldn't but unable to stop herself, Sam opened the desk drawers to investigate. The middle one contained a mouldy coffee mug, a banana skin and an empty sandwich wrapper. The bottom was stuffed with unwashed gym kit and a pair of rather smelly trainers. He was still completely un-housetrained she thought fondly then shook herself there was nothing admirable in a man over 40 being so disgusting. There was no way he could possibly be married she decided promptly no wife would put up with that.

She opened the top drawer wondering what nasty surprises lay in store there. An empty Mars bar wrapper was shoved on the top together with unopened Christmas cards and a selection of personal bills she'd bet he hadn't even read. Shoved underneath was one of the wallet type photo frames. Curiously she opened it up to see Dervla on one side and her own face staring back from the other. She was strangely touched that he kept her photo next to one of his adored dog. Surely Dervla couldn't still be alive. She hadn't been a young dog ten years ago. Why had he kept a photo of her all these years? Did that mean he hadn't forgotten her that he still thought about her as often as she thought about him? At a sudden sound outside the door she rammed it back under the papers and closed the drawer. She had just managed to drop onto the sofa and snatch up the Lancet as Dylan opened the door.

"Dylan" she began awkwardly.

"Well this is a surprise. What have you been doing with yourself for the last ten years Dr Nichols?" He said acerbically as he sat on the opposite end of the sofa. "It is still Dr Nichols?"

"It is." She agreed neutrally wondering why he thought she'd have changed her name. She hadn't when she married him.

"How's Tom?" Dylan asked her hoping he had managed to keep the loathing out of his voice. You'd think after ten years the antipathy he felt towards his replacement would have faded but clearly not.

"I wouldn't know. I've not seen him in years." She said quietly. She still regretted that she'd hurt Dylan so badly over someone whom it had transpired a few months later wasn't worth it. "Linda told me he'd married someone from his parent's village but I haven't seen him since I left Holby and that was years ago. I wouldn't have thought you gave a damn about what he was doing."

"I don't." He admitted truthfully, trying to conceal his elation that Tom Kent had not after all managed to snatch his wife even if she wasn't his wife anymore from under his nose. "So what have you done since you left Holby?"

"I tried to go back to the Army again but they weren't having any of it. So I joined HEMS. Initially I worked on the Devon and Cornwall Air Ambulance but after eighteen months I was offered a post in London. Then I got a bit too old for it so I got myself a consultants job at the Royal London. I've been there ever since. What about you?" Sam asked him.

"I left Holby without a job to go to so I did locums for a bit. Then I was offered a job in the Lakes as Emergency consultant and did some mountain rescue work on the side. Then I was clinical lead for an ED in Norfolk and came here six months ago when they made me an offer I'd be mad to refuse." Dylan explained.

"I'm sorry." Sam said suddenly aware even as she said it, that it didn't make sense to anyone except her.

"What for?" Dylan sounded puzzled.

"Coming back into your life the way I did and tipping it upside down." Sam replied. "It was selfish of me and I'm sorry."

"It was years ago." Dylan said dismissively not wanting to let on how hurt he'd been or how much it still mattered.

"What time does your shift finish?" She asked changing the subject quickly sensing that neither of them could cope with further discussion now.

"Five minutes ago. Thank God. Fancy a coffee?" He replied clearly relived to be able to steer the conversation out of dangerous territory.

He didn't wait for her to answer, got up and switched on a rather expensive coffee machine in the corner. To her relief the revolting mug stayed put and he took two clean ones from a shelf poured a generous measure into each and handed her one. She sipped at it appreciatively.

"That's good. Do you still mainline coffee?" She enquired.

"How else would I manage to keep this madhouse running?" He answered.

"You're a caffeine addict and you'll get diabetes if you add that much sugar." She added as he added three spoons of the stuff to his coffee.

"You're channelling Miriam." He responded sounding slightly irritated.

Sam remembered that Miriam had spent years nagging Dylan about his sugar consumption. "Have you heard from her recently?"

"I bought her lunch in town for her birthday. I wanted to treat her to dinner and a theatre but David is so frail now she can't leave him for very long." Dylan said sounding anxious.

"She said in her Christmas letter he hadn't been so well," Sam said quietly. "She was positive the way she always is but I got the impression things weren't great."

"Hadn't been so well is an understatement." Dylan replied. "David has Parkinson's and it has progressed very fast. He needs twenty four hour care. They've got carers but..."

"Poor Miriam." Sam said softly thinking about the strain it must be for her to watch the man she loved slip away slowly away from her.

They were both silent for a bit. Sam was thinking about how she'd feel if it was Dylan in David's position. Not that she would have the right to feel anything at all. She'd given that up that long ago summer day when she'd signed her marriage away. Maybe if she'd not let pride rule her heart they'd still be married and have had a couple of babies, in which case she'd be surrounded by a sea of wrapping paper and the debris of a Christmas dinner by now cursing him for having to work at Christmas. Of course they might have had an acrimonious divorce by now that was probably more likely but at least she'd know she'd tried. He probably had a wife and kids by now anyway; she hated the idea of him with anyone else and could feel herself growing slightly tearful at the unpalatable thought. Snap out of it Sam she told herself fiercely.

Dylan watched her wondering how different his life might have been if he'd only been brave enough to risk getting hurt again and told her how he felt about her all those years ago. If he'd torn those divorce papers to shreds in front of her instead of signing them maybe she'd have agreed to try again. No doubt she'd have cost him a small fortune and produced a couple of expensive brats who would be requiring half the toyshop to unwrap but he wouldn't have woken up in a cold bed in an empty house before coming to work because the rest of his staff were enjoying time with their families. He looked at her wondering if he dared ask why she wasn't at home with her family for Christmas. He wasn't sure he wanted to know the answer.

"Who's Dawn?" Sam asked cautiously wanting to be sure that she wasn't inadvertently treading on some unknown woman's toes.

"Dawn?" he looked puzzled then followed her eyes to the picture, "My god daughter, she's Ryan's oldest. You remember Ryan."

"You were at Med School with him." Sam said at once. "I didn't know he was the family type."

"He wasn't until he met Kat, he was a goner in no time. Had her married and pregnant in under a year." He shook his head in disbelief. "How the mighty are fallen."

Sam grinned at him "I think it's rather sweet."

"You would. So how come you aren't with your family." Dylan asked her

"Mum's on a cruise and I couldn't face family Christmas with Moira in Scotland." Sam told him "How come you're working?"

"Nothing better to do, anyway most of my staff have got kids. They want Christmas off!" he explained with a surge of relief that Sam wasn't married. Surely if there was anyone special she would have said, "Tell you what. Why don't I buy you a Christmas drink?"

She smiled at him "That would be lovely. Or you could come back to mine for a drink and some grub I can't rise to turkey but I can do bangers and mash and I've mince pies. I've got plenty of coffee too."

"Sounds good to me." He agreed with alacrity. "I wanted steak but I didn't have time to go shopping so there's only frozen pizza at my place and I'm starving."

Sam's flat was smaller than his house but rather cosier Dylan reflected sipping his coffee and watching her surreptitiously as she drank her own coffee and nibbled on some expensive chocolate. She really hadn't changed much he thought still had big blue eyes he could drown in and all that long soft silky blonde hair, he couldn't see a trace of grey in it either in a marked contrast to his which was liberally flecked with it. Of course she could be making use of an expensive hairdresser, according to his colleagues all women did and the bill was phenomenal but no matter. She still cooked a mean bangers and mash too, who needed roast turkey when they could enjoy that with fried onions. Sam kicked off her slippers, curled her bare feet under her and leaned back against the sofa cushions, so close to him they were almost touching. Greatly daring he wrapped his arm around her and drew her back against his chest then held his breath waiting for her to pull away.

Sam froze for an instant, and then leaned in to the warm circle of his arm. It was nice to be held by someone again, it was a long time since the last time she'd been hugged, her small nieces didn't count. She'd always felt safe in his arms too. He nuzzled at her neck and she leaned her head on his shoulder in response, he gently stroked her hair and then her face. Sam lost interest in the chocolate and concentrated on enjoying the soothing sensations evoked by his gentle touch. She could hear his heart thumping in his chest and felt his breathing accelerate, her own heart seemed likely to beat its way out of her chest and her breath was coming in little gasps. She lifted her face to his for the kiss she was sure was coming and when his warm firm lips descended on hers she responded enthusiastically wrapping one arm around him to pull him closer to her and using the other to tangle in his soft thick hair and angle him closer to her. She was breathless with desire by the time they drew apart for air and she knew her chest must be heaving but she didn't care.

"I've missed you so much." He told her thickly, "You've always been the only one for me."

"I missed you too." She whispered, "I never wanted anyone but you."

Dylan breathed in the familiar scent of her held her soft body tight against him and nuzzled into her soft fragrant hair unable to believe it was happening for him at last. All those long lonely years of waiting, loving and missing her, regretting the mess he'd made of it all and dreaming of another chance, then by some amazing stroke of fate their paths had crossed for a third time and this time he wasn't going to let her go. He was going to do whatever it took to keep her in his life. He wouldn't scare her by telling her he loved her that she could very easily become the centre of his world again not yet but by next year she would be his girl for good. He wanted the whole world to know she'd always be his girl.

Sam snuggled into his embrace certain that at least for tonight she wouldn't be sleeping alone. He hadn't said he loved her but she was sure he did. There was time enough for her to tell him she loved him that she'd always loved him. Plenty of time for him to tell her he loved her it always took men a while to say how they felt after all and Dylan was worse than most at articulating his feelings. There was even still time for a family, if that was what they both wanted. They might not manage four like Ruth and Jay but she'd be happy with just one. With a sudden surge of optimism she decided that if he felt half as strongly about her as she felt about him, next year they'd have each other not just for Christmas but for always.

_I hope you enjoyed this shameless fluff. As always if you did please feed my ego and let me know. Thanks._


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